If you need to pee...don't read this!🤣

Ever have a funny story about your spouse that when you think about it, you burst out laughing?!? Well, I have one of those. Oh! And is it a goody.  With pictures!  Oh my god..that is jut the bees knees!  Seriously, if you are a woman whose had children...don't read this if your bladder is full! 😳

I'm sure most of you know...I like making things by hand. I love natural stuff and I love all things Country!  When we moved to Fraser Lake there wasn't a grocery store. I couldn't just run to the store to purchase my latest whim like I did in the City. So, I've learned to make things from scratch.  

My story begins innocently enough.  I had been researching facial masks for a month trying to figure out ingredients that would leave skin soft and subtle but that were good for us too.  This has been my mantra since we bought the farm and coined it The Rusty Pitchfork.  And, it's the label that I sell all our homemade products under.  Oh right...back to my funny story.  Well, it's because of me selling homemade products that I decided to try my hand at Activated Charcoal facial masks.  I spent a LOT of time (well, apparently not enough!) in the research phase and finally incorporated what I thought was a fantastic mix of oils, mud, cleansing properties and essential oils.  

So the other night, I was innocently in the kitchen after diner mixing a batch of skin care products and peeked in at Gary in the living room watching TV and said "Hey...do you want to try one of my facial masks...it's for fine lines and wrinkles?  He looked at me and said "Sure...if you make me a hot bath I'd love to try it".

Now I have to tell you.  If you've never seen Activated Charcoal it's black.  Like REALLY black. And REALLY thick.  Kind of like tar once you get it all combined.  But, like all things good for us, sometimes it might look a bit odd.  No biggie, it smelled amazing!  And, with all the research I had completed, all things pointed to amazing results.  So...I jauntily went about my business very pleased with myself (insert sarcasm here!) over the fact that I had cooerced my big John Deere loving husband into a facial mask usually reserved for woman at the spa!  Ha!

For those that don't know Gary, he is 6'7" and a big strong boy.  He was a policeman for 25 years and is very much your strong, stoic type.  Except for that night...just a tad of foreshadowing!

Gary climbed into the tub and I helped him cleanse his face prepping it for the mask and lovingly patted it dry.  I then scooped the mixture on my fingertips and lighlty smeared it on his face.  My first clue of Disaster should have been that it was very thick and if I didn't smear it right into his skin, some would tear away in clumps and 'plop' on his chest.  My second clue of Disaster should have been that as it plopped on his chest, and when I went to scoop it back up, it smeared.  Kind of like baby poop.  Uh ho.

As the lights were down low, Gary couldn't see the smears.  So, I pressed forward and got all the contents on his face.  All of it.  Oh God.  I guess sometimes more isn't be better.  Whoops bad me. I just thought "Oh well, I'll just clean up my hands and let him enjoy his soak."

I still didn't think anything was too bad at that time UNTIL I tried to wash the stuff off my hands.  It was like bear grease.  It just wouldn't come off...it just smeared in my hand and WENT EVERYWHERE!  The more I worked it, the worse it became!  Our new sink was black, my hands were black, now my forearms were black, and when I looked over at Gary, his chest was black and his face was definitely black.  In my head I'm seriously starting to panic.  This is what he looked like at that point.  Thank God oblivious.

He had no idea what major disaster just might be unfolding towards his little world.  He was totally enjoying his little tubbie retreat...thinking how lucky he is to have such a loving wife to spoil him...ahhhhh God!  So, I used my elbow (it was either that or my tongue..which would have been a tip off) to dim the lights right down low so he couldn't see his chest all black and smeary and ran into the kitchen to figure out how the hell to get this stuff off my hands but more importantly how in the hell I was going to get it off Gary's face.  His FACE for God's sake!  And the thing I had not anticipated WAS HIS MOUSTACHE AND GOATEE!!  Ahhh Fack!

So I tipped the hand soap over with my elbow and squished some out on my hand and frantically scrubbed enough that I could poke letters into the Google Search Engine on the iPad without ruining it.  I learned you need to use a combination of baking soda and soap to get the stuff off.  Whew, I thought...at least it will come off.  I've fended off the Divorce Courts for now...

As I was getting out the ingredients on the counter, I heard Gary call out from the bathroom "How long do I have to leave this on for!??". I ran down to the bathroom, trying to keep my voice calm and said "Oh..about another 10 minutes or so...".  All the while trying to be all light and airy.  Jesus! What is it about me trying to remain light and airy for the second time in two weeks.  First was my hair dye fiasco and now this!  He was happy to sit for another few minutes and it gave me valuable time to try and mix this damn concoction up and hope like heck that it worked.  Ahhhh...nieveity!

As I scooped up my new lifeline into a plastic container, I grabbed three VERY DARK BROWN facecloths and jauntily walked into the bathroom saying "I think it's time honey...why don't I help you?".  My third clue of Disaster was when he took the facecloth and wet it and began trying to lift the mass of grease goop from his skin.  That's when I seriously went from a loving wife to a complete lunatic. That moment in time when you go from fear to complete unavoidable hilarity at your own mistake.  The look on Gary's face was seriously somewhere between being scared and being entertained at watching your wife completely loose herself in a hysterical fit.  I mean hysterical fit...and not having a bloody clue as to why.  He had NO IDEA what he was in for.  I was laughing so hard I couldn't form words.  I saw:  My husband who is usually so well put together had black bear grease smeared on his cheeks, forehead, chin, nose, eyelids, moustache, goatee and in his nostrils.  Every time he would try and wipe some off, it smeared and got MORE imbedded in his hair.  I was laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face and they would plunk onto his chest and face.  His words were "that had better not be snot!"...of course, I replied "No", but honestly I cannot say for 100% certain that there was no boogers being shared as I was laughing so hard I had no control over a few said bodily functions.

So, here we were.  My darling husband looking like he was ready to go into a combat zone, his darling wife who was supposed to be helping, being absolutely useless as I was just chasing this black goop around his face.  All the while laughing like a lunatic.  Hmmmm.  Time to rethink this. Then he says "Did you get it all?!?!". OH MY GOD, I LOST IT.  I had to sit on the floor before I wet my pants I was laughing so hard.  It was all I could do to hold myself together to verbalize "Ya...just about..I'll be right back" and ran (and I mean RAN) down to the kitchen to grab my cellphone.  This needed documenting.  Of course the 'Good Wife' could not possibly pass up an opportunity for future reference.  I came into the bathroom and snapped a pic and suggested he perhaps go into the shower and get the rest off.

By this time I'm seriously trying to hold it together to help him.  He could not see himself and what he looked like. I'm going to paint a picture for you to help.  He had black smear all over his face (as I just explained), he had black smears all across his chest.  And then, to top it all off...as we had taken some of it off in the tub...as he got out of the tub...black smears had landed all over his body as he exited the water.  OH MY FREAKING GOD!  There were black smears in places that scubbing wasn't going to be pleasant!  I need more baking soda and hustled it back to the kitchen for more paste.  A BIG BOWL OF PASTE!!...I might add.  I calmly said "You just continue doing, you're doing a great job".  Guess who ran for more paste.

Now Garrison has been sitting on the couch the whole time and has witnessed his mother in a complete fit of laughter and cannot figure out what the heck is going on.  Why is his Mother laughing hysterially to begin with, why she keeps making things in the kitchen and why is she all wet?!??  I didn't have time to explain, so I just kept going!

After I came back, I scrubbed this paste all over his body and calmed said "Oh...just a bit more"...and a few seconds later..."Oh...just a bit more".  Well, I should have just climbed into the shower with him because here I am with the door open trying to help as the shower is going and getting water sprayed over me in the process.  My lanta!  Then His Nibbs says "You've got it all out...right?!"

I look and see his moustache.  His goatee.  And, it's not coming out.  I mean, it's so in there that I honestly didn't think it was ever! going to come out.  He looked like someone that read the directions wrong on a Men's Agretian Formula and put it on while drunk.  Half white, half black.  And, in no particular order to any of it. Ummmmmm.  "Honey, let me help you a bit".

He was all happy...having his wife being so fussy over his manly whiskers.  Good God!  That took about 10 minutes of scrubbing to get 80% out.  So after about 20 minutes of helping we finally got him to the point that he didn't look like a sea creature and he happily climbed into his jammies.

The best part was he wasn't a bit angry with me... and he said his face hasn't felt that soft in years...OH THANK GOD!

Kim

To dye for!

Have you ever tried something that should be easy?...I mean like REALLY easy?!?  So easy that you think there is no way you can ** it up??  Well, let me share with you a story from this morning.

My quest was to dye my hair.  I've heard of my friends doing it for years and it sounded sooo simple! In years gone past I was one of 'those' women that went to the hair salon and paid upwards of $200.00 (God, I hope Gary does not read this!) to get my hair professionally dyed, cut and styled.  And, I wasn't paying as much as some of my friends if you can imagine!

So, just prior to moving from the city into the country I went to Sally and bought a bunch of hair colors and 'equipment' to ease me through the process.  I spent time asking the gal that worked there how to do it etc.  She assured me it would be simple.  Hmmmm.  This was my morning fiasco!

Garrison went off to school, Gary was out in the shop and I had a quiet morning planned doing what I call House Mouse stuff.  Routine, clean up, make beds, tidy from breakfast etc.  I gathered my supplies which consisted of: dye, solution, bowl, a brush thingy, an old towel, a fastener and a grocery bag. I was proud.  Had all the supplies and got ready to dig in.

First, I laid my towel down on the new counter.  Got out the bowl and blobbed some of the dye in the bowl (no directions given as to how much so I guessed) added about double of the solution.  I peered into the bowl and gave a shrug (that should be enough...right?!?) and stirred.  That should have been my first clue of disaster.  The shrug.  That shrug should have been the BIG warning sign that I had NO idea what I was doing!

I parted my hair like the hair dresser did so many times (she made it look easy by the way!) and started in the middle.  As I raised my first brush full to my head...blop...it went on my shirt.  FACK! Oh man...of course, it had to land on my shirt and NOT on the towl around my shoulders.  I'll never get that poop looking blob off my jammie top.  Crap...well, keep on going was my thought.  So, I did it again and did a fairly good job around the crown of my head.  But, then came the rest of the hair. And, I have alot of freaking hair!  At that point, I'm peering into my bowl and realize I don't have enough mixture so I mix another batch.  I drop the solution and it goes all over the floor...are you freaking kidding me!  It sailed all the way across the room onto the shower doors!  Aggghhh!   I'm on all fours mopping up this complete disaster when Gary calls me from the other side of the house.  

I quickly walk towards his voice as I don't want him to know of the catastrophe I've created in OUR NEW BATHROOM!  Just before I get to the back door, he says "What are you doing?"  I'm just about to the doorway and say "I'm dying my hair"  Sounding all light and assured of myself.  I get around the corner and his exact words were "Sweet Jesus!"  Picture this.  The front of my head caked in wet dye.  The rest of my hair is in a matted mess. I have what looks like a skidder running down the front of my shirt...nice, eh!...aren't I a beautiful bride :)  He says "Never mind" and closes the door.  Quickly I might add!

So, I go running back to the bathroom all the while chastising myself for being so clumbsy...calculating how exactly I'm going to clean up the mess as quickly as possible, praying that it will in fact it does clean up.  Thank God it did!  So, I get back to the rest of my head.  Oh ya.  Back to that crazy amount of hair that I have.  And, I  need to figure out how exactly to get dye on it and keep it on the top of my head.  Again, something not so easy to do by oneself!  Every time I'd go to take a strip of hair and put it on the top of my head, it would roll backwards. Ugh.  Okay, so I employed both hands and a ton of bobby pins.  Messy, but it did the trick.  My hair all has dye on it and now time for the bag.  Note to those that are doing this...ensure that all the tags are out of the bag prior to putting it on your head. Whoops, my bad.

So, I waited the half hour required and pulled the bag off my head.  Amazingly I still had hair, the hair was the color it was supposed to be and now I'm in search of my therapist's phone number to talk through the whole mess...lol.

My skidder! :0(

My final suggestion...go to the salon...it's alot less stressful! :)


Kim

PS...please like our new Facebook page (The Rusty Pitchfork) and I will put your name in the draw for a free Happy Feet kit!  Draw to be March 31st!

The Lumpy Lepper

I've been asked to start blogging again...and with our reno's and move-in pretty much complete...I can do just that!

 

My blog tonight is about making homstead creations.  I make everything from curtains to bread to homemade soaps, candles and lotions etc.  Friends like Corrina Knoll and Cherylee McKinney will understand that sometimes we have successes but more than likely...many flops, but heh, we keep on keeping on! ;)

When you live in the country it's not easy to just run to the store to buy "X".  Sometimes, in more rural communities like where we live in Fraser Lake, THERE ARE NO "chain" STORES...I know...shocker isn't it?!?  This is one thing that I have had a wee bit of a hard time getting used to. But, it makes a person more resourceful in the end!

My funny story for the night revolves around me wanting to have a bath.  I had visions of a hot, gorgeous tub of water with bubbles, candelight and a face mask soaking on my skin.  But then I remembered...I have no mask.  Bummer. :(  Oh!  I can make one.  Right?!?...so I got on Pinterest (which is one of my favorite things to do now Kathleen Boland) and found a receipe for a homemade oatmeal facial mask.  And SCORE...I had all the ingredients!

This recipe called for Oatmeal (which I use Gluten Free and have it already ground and in the cupboard), Olive Oil, Honey and half a Banana.  I used a fork to mash the banana and then added about 1/2 cup of the Oatmeal, 2 TBSP of the Olive Oil, about 3 TBSP Honey.  I then added about 2 TSP of Vitamin E Oil and about 4 drops of Doterra Lemon Essential Oil.  I stirred it together and then set off towards the bathroom.

On my way I bent down to give my darling Hubby a kiss on the cheek as he was watching the Superbowl and not really paying any attention to me.  He half heartedly looked into my bowl and sniffed at it and asked "Oh!...is that my dessert?!?".  "Ahhhh..no...It's my face mask".  The look on his face was priceless.  I'm pretty sure he thought I was bat shit crazy.

So, off I treck with my concotion in hand with sweet anticipation of how lovely this 'bath date' was going to go.  Bubbles, check.  Candles, check.  Magazine, check.  Facial Cleanser, check.  I climb into the hot tub of water (no, this isn't a 50 Shades of Grey version!), clean my face and then scoop up a generous dollop of loveliness and smear it on my face.  Well, the first 5 seconds were grand.  But after that the stuff started to slide down my face and plop onto my chest.  Hmmm...this isn't going as planned! :0  So, I decided that if I slid down into the water just a tad and arch my head back against the tub that would make my face level with the ground and it would stay put.  That was great idea until I hit the back of my head against the tub.  Ouch!  And, then within minutes it began to look like someone had pooped in the tub! OMG!  Little blobs of oatmeal poop were surrounding me!  Ummm...this isn't as peaceful as I thought it would be!

Not giving in, I scooped up what was left in the bowl and slathered it across my forehead thinking it would eventually slide down to my chin where some of it was supposed to be anyways.  I adjusted some of the mass around my forehead, eyes, cheeks and chin thinking in my head I must look like a woman at the spa...that's what I feel like as it smells sooo good!  ( I paid $100 once to have an oatmeal facial and this felt the same...sort of).  Well, I peeked in the small mirror I had on my bath board and OMG!  I looked nothing like I had envisioned...I looked like a lepper...with LUMPS!  Half my face was where it was supposed to be, the other was very gooey and drippy...I scared myself so badly that I turned over the mirror and decided not to do that again!

I thought that perhaps I should try and take my mind off my slithering face and tried to read my magazine, but every time I went to turn the page more lumps would plop into the water or on my chest. Blech.

I guess if I was stranded on an island and was truly hungry, I could have eaten the mixture as it was made from all natural ingredients and it could be like eating unbaked apple betty, except with bananas.  But of course I would have to get over the fact that it looked like poop.  That was it...I was out.

I made it about 15 minutes and gingerly tip toed over to the shower for a rinse.  The good thing is after getting all clean, it really made my skin very soft.  And...I'm not a lepper after all!

My moral of the story is to keep trying different things...sometimes they just might work.  Or sometimes you might have to tweak them.  Oh ya right...I forgot.  The expensive facial mask was draped in a muslin cloth before it went on my face...I'll do that next time! :)

Have a great Sunday!

Kim

PS...I will be blogging soon about my horse round up foibles, clumbsy mounting skills and a bunch of other funny winter stories ...so keep checking back !