If you need to pee...don't read this!🤣

Ever have a funny story about your spouse that when you think about it, you burst out laughing?!? Well, I have one of those. Oh! And is it a goody.  With pictures!  Oh my god..that is jut the bees knees!  Seriously, if you are a woman whose had children...don't read this if your bladder is full! 😳

I'm sure most of you know...I like making things by hand. I love natural stuff and I love all things Country!  When we moved to Fraser Lake there wasn't a grocery store. I couldn't just run to the store to purchase my latest whim like I did in the City. So, I've learned to make things from scratch.  

My story begins innocently enough.  I had been researching facial masks for a month trying to figure out ingredients that would leave skin soft and subtle but that were good for us too.  This has been my mantra since we bought the farm and coined it The Rusty Pitchfork.  And, it's the label that I sell all our homemade products under.  Oh right...back to my funny story.  Well, it's because of me selling homemade products that I decided to try my hand at Activated Charcoal facial masks.  I spent a LOT of time (well, apparently not enough!) in the research phase and finally incorporated what I thought was a fantastic mix of oils, mud, cleansing properties and essential oils.  

So the other night, I was innocently in the kitchen after diner mixing a batch of skin care products and peeked in at Gary in the living room watching TV and said "Hey...do you want to try one of my facial masks...it's for fine lines and wrinkles?  He looked at me and said "Sure...if you make me a hot bath I'd love to try it".

Now I have to tell you.  If you've never seen Activated Charcoal it's black.  Like REALLY black. And REALLY thick.  Kind of like tar once you get it all combined.  But, like all things good for us, sometimes it might look a bit odd.  No biggie, it smelled amazing!  And, with all the research I had completed, all things pointed to amazing results.  So...I jauntily went about my business very pleased with myself (insert sarcasm here!) over the fact that I had cooerced my big John Deere loving husband into a facial mask usually reserved for woman at the spa!  Ha!

For those that don't know Gary, he is 6'7" and a big strong boy.  He was a policeman for 25 years and is very much your strong, stoic type.  Except for that night...just a tad of foreshadowing!

Gary climbed into the tub and I helped him cleanse his face prepping it for the mask and lovingly patted it dry.  I then scooped the mixture on my fingertips and lighlty smeared it on his face.  My first clue of Disaster should have been that it was very thick and if I didn't smear it right into his skin, some would tear away in clumps and 'plop' on his chest.  My second clue of Disaster should have been that as it plopped on his chest, and when I went to scoop it back up, it smeared.  Kind of like baby poop.  Uh ho.

As the lights were down low, Gary couldn't see the smears.  So, I pressed forward and got all the contents on his face.  All of it.  Oh God.  I guess sometimes more isn't be better.  Whoops bad me. I just thought "Oh well, I'll just clean up my hands and let him enjoy his soak."

I still didn't think anything was too bad at that time UNTIL I tried to wash the stuff off my hands.  It was like bear grease.  It just wouldn't come off...it just smeared in my hand and WENT EVERYWHERE!  The more I worked it, the worse it became!  Our new sink was black, my hands were black, now my forearms were black, and when I looked over at Gary, his chest was black and his face was definitely black.  In my head I'm seriously starting to panic.  This is what he looked like at that point.  Thank God oblivious.

He had no idea what major disaster just might be unfolding towards his little world.  He was totally enjoying his little tubbie retreat...thinking how lucky he is to have such a loving wife to spoil him...ahhhhh God!  So, I used my elbow (it was either that or my tongue..which would have been a tip off) to dim the lights right down low so he couldn't see his chest all black and smeary and ran into the kitchen to figure out how the hell to get this stuff off my hands but more importantly how in the hell I was going to get it off Gary's face.  His FACE for God's sake!  And the thing I had not anticipated WAS HIS MOUSTACHE AND GOATEE!!  Ahhh Fack!

So I tipped the hand soap over with my elbow and squished some out on my hand and frantically scrubbed enough that I could poke letters into the Google Search Engine on the iPad without ruining it.  I learned you need to use a combination of baking soda and soap to get the stuff off.  Whew, I thought...at least it will come off.  I've fended off the Divorce Courts for now...

As I was getting out the ingredients on the counter, I heard Gary call out from the bathroom "How long do I have to leave this on for!??". I ran down to the bathroom, trying to keep my voice calm and said "Oh..about another 10 minutes or so...".  All the while trying to be all light and airy.  Jesus! What is it about me trying to remain light and airy for the second time in two weeks.  First was my hair dye fiasco and now this!  He was happy to sit for another few minutes and it gave me valuable time to try and mix this damn concoction up and hope like heck that it worked.  Ahhhh...nieveity!

As I scooped up my new lifeline into a plastic container, I grabbed three VERY DARK BROWN facecloths and jauntily walked into the bathroom saying "I think it's time honey...why don't I help you?".  My third clue of Disaster was when he took the facecloth and wet it and began trying to lift the mass of grease goop from his skin.  That's when I seriously went from a loving wife to a complete lunatic. That moment in time when you go from fear to complete unavoidable hilarity at your own mistake.  The look on Gary's face was seriously somewhere between being scared and being entertained at watching your wife completely loose herself in a hysterical fit.  I mean hysterical fit...and not having a bloody clue as to why.  He had NO IDEA what he was in for.  I was laughing so hard I couldn't form words.  I saw:  My husband who is usually so well put together had black bear grease smeared on his cheeks, forehead, chin, nose, eyelids, moustache, goatee and in his nostrils.  Every time he would try and wipe some off, it smeared and got MORE imbedded in his hair.  I was laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face and they would plunk onto his chest and face.  His words were "that had better not be snot!"...of course, I replied "No", but honestly I cannot say for 100% certain that there was no boogers being shared as I was laughing so hard I had no control over a few said bodily functions.

So, here we were.  My darling husband looking like he was ready to go into a combat zone, his darling wife who was supposed to be helping, being absolutely useless as I was just chasing this black goop around his face.  All the while laughing like a lunatic.  Hmmmm.  Time to rethink this. Then he says "Did you get it all?!?!". OH MY GOD, I LOST IT.  I had to sit on the floor before I wet my pants I was laughing so hard.  It was all I could do to hold myself together to verbalize "Ya...just about..I'll be right back" and ran (and I mean RAN) down to the kitchen to grab my cellphone.  This needed documenting.  Of course the 'Good Wife' could not possibly pass up an opportunity for future reference.  I came into the bathroom and snapped a pic and suggested he perhaps go into the shower and get the rest off.

By this time I'm seriously trying to hold it together to help him.  He could not see himself and what he looked like. I'm going to paint a picture for you to help.  He had black smear all over his face (as I just explained), he had black smears all across his chest.  And then, to top it all off...as we had taken some of it off in the tub...as he got out of the tub...black smears had landed all over his body as he exited the water.  OH MY FREAKING GOD!  There were black smears in places that scubbing wasn't going to be pleasant!  I need more baking soda and hustled it back to the kitchen for more paste.  A BIG BOWL OF PASTE!!...I might add.  I calmly said "You just continue doing, you're doing a great job".  Guess who ran for more paste.

Now Garrison has been sitting on the couch the whole time and has witnessed his mother in a complete fit of laughter and cannot figure out what the heck is going on.  Why is his Mother laughing hysterially to begin with, why she keeps making things in the kitchen and why is she all wet?!??  I didn't have time to explain, so I just kept going!

After I came back, I scrubbed this paste all over his body and calmed said "Oh...just a bit more"...and a few seconds later..."Oh...just a bit more".  Well, I should have just climbed into the shower with him because here I am with the door open trying to help as the shower is going and getting water sprayed over me in the process.  My lanta!  Then His Nibbs says "You've got it all out...right?!"

I look and see his moustache.  His goatee.  And, it's not coming out.  I mean, it's so in there that I honestly didn't think it was ever! going to come out.  He looked like someone that read the directions wrong on a Men's Agretian Formula and put it on while drunk.  Half white, half black.  And, in no particular order to any of it. Ummmmmm.  "Honey, let me help you a bit".

He was all happy...having his wife being so fussy over his manly whiskers.  Good God!  That took about 10 minutes of scrubbing to get 80% out.  So after about 20 minutes of helping we finally got him to the point that he didn't look like a sea creature and he happily climbed into his jammies.

The best part was he wasn't a bit angry with me... and he said his face hasn't felt that soft in years...OH THANK GOD!

Kim